If you're ever in a bar and someone orders their drink straight with no chaser, that means they want it hard and strong. You can also bet your last dollar that they are more than likely dealing with something that they would rather not; hence, the strong drink to make reality quickly fade into drunken memories. Since my last post I have seen life come "straight with no chaser." It has been blatant truth after blatant truth. Some of these truths have been great and fun and others have been attention getting and painful. I have discovered a calling that is powerful and burdensome at the the same time. I'm sure by now you're thinking enough with the build up, tell us what happened
I was hired as a director for the pilot and first episode of a new television show. The shoot was scheduled for five days in Houston Texas. It was fifty eight scenes in various locations in five days. If you ask anyone that works in "the business," they will tell you that fifty eight scenes in five days is pretty much impossible; especially when its shot in various locations and did I mention it also includes LOTS of children. I knew it was next to impossible to pull off, but when I told the executive producer/creator he was extremely reluctant to cut ANYTHING. Most people would've resigned at that moment but not me. I have never backed down from a challenge and if you tell me something is impossible that only makes me want to do it all the more. I took the project on and without going into a bunch truly hilarious details I got it done. As to not leave you totally in the dark here are few quick crazy details: I had two little girls that are sisters and stars of the show get into a fight that resulted in one being totally bloodied and the other one deeply traumatized. I had a seven year old boy nearly have a breakdown because of the make-up he had to wear which resulted in me directing for the rest of the day in face paint, glitter and sparkles (don't judge me, I had to get it done. lol). I was run out of a location and I had several "Rick James" type moments I had to deal with from a certain actor. Despite all that and MUCH MUCH more I achieved the goal. Not only did I complete the task, but I also did it damn well, if I must say so myself.
I learned that I really am "that good." I am the person that people hate because I can make things that are very complicated look extremely easy. I am the person that can match your mastery level in weeks not years. I'm the person that really does feel like when I'm on my game there's nothing anyone can do to stop me. Now before you start hurling insults at me and calling me arrogant or whatever please allow me to tell you why that's not necessary. I have discovered that I was created this way. I was once told that in my acting I make a better bad guy than I do a good guy. That is also true for my life. I am not and have never been a total bad guy. But I have walked a pretty thin line between the two. If I were a wrestler, I would've been Stone Cold Steve Austin; I am mostly good but with really bad tendencies. My entire life people have called me arrogant, stuck up, and a host of other things and I hated it. I have tried everything known to man to change peoples opinion of me. I have tried muting myself and never saying a word around people. I have tried dressing down or burying myself underneath baggy clothes and a "normal" attitude. I have even tried a bible quoting, religious speaking, non cursing total good guy routine and NOTHING worked. I found that people are going to hate you for whatever you do. The reason why they hate you is because they are insecure and really hate themselves and they reflect it on to you. And the moment I realized that I travelled deep into the recesses of my mind and unlocked the door that lead to the cage behind another door that had numerous locks on it and unlocked them all and finally released the real me from the prison I had condemned him to some eight or nine years ago. He was weak, and dusty and seemed deeply disappointed in me for locking him up in the first place, but quickly I found that he hadn't lost a step. His response to me in regards to what people think of me was simply: "I don't give a damn!" Actually, it was I don't give a shit! but that was the "good guy" image trying yet again to censor my thoughts. See I have found that I am more beneficial to not only myself but to others as well when I simply be me.
Honestly, very few people have ever really understood ME, and that was what I was working so hard to get. But I realized it doesn't matter if they "get" me or not. Michael Jordan, arguably the greatest basketball ball player to ever play the game comes from a family where no one is over 5 foot 10, but yet he is 6 foot 6. Why? How did it happen? No one knows the answers to that, he just is. He was born to be the greatest basketball player ever. Muhammad Ali, considered by most to be the greatest heavyweight champion to ever step in the ring, weighed well over 200 pounds but yet had the blinding speed of a lightweight and the agility of a gymnast in his prime. He was so fast and agile that while he is considered as the the greatest, technically, he's one of the worse fighters to ever lace up a pair of gloves. He did almost everything wrong, but yet his natural abilities made it so that no one could make him pay for it. Many fighters were ruined trying to imitate him. How did he do it? Again, no one knows. He just did. He was born to be the greatest! Just as Jordan and Ali and millions of others were born to be "themselves," I too was born for something special. I was born to be a representative of the middle ground between religion and real life. I am that scary place between theory and reality; between churches and liquor stores. I am the truly gifted that has never had anything handed to them and has had to fight for damn near everything. I am not crying about it because when it's all said and done the world will know that anything is possible if you have the heart to believe in yourself. I was raised between the streets and the churches. I know as many underworld figures as I do church folks. I learned from both sides and I understand both sides. There was a time I wouldn't write something like this because I knew my church friends would be appalled, but those days are long gone. See I realize that my relationship with God is exactly that, MINE! You can't define it for me nor can you put limits on it, so essentially i don't care what anyone thinks. Or like I said earlier, I really don't give a shit (breathe, yes I said a curse word, it's not the end of the world) so save your criticism, or don't. Either way, I'm fine. I have to be me! Now ask yourself are you being you!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Superman needs a cane (WTF?)
This weekend was packed with excitement and fun. I went to an NBA game. I got a new car (one that I had wanted for a while). I had successful production meetings, found out I will be shooting later this year in another country. I managed to find time to spend with a few close friends and family and loved every second of it; however, of all the things I did this weekend, none was more time consuming than tweeting hate messages to the Green Bay Packers fan, screaming obscenities at my television while watching the games and updating my facebook status every fifteen minutes to reflect my train of thoughts about whichever game was on at the time. I laughed repeatedly as NFL legend Deion Sanders rattled off joke after joke as Chicago's quarterback Jay Cutler "claimed" to be too badly hurt to continue playing when his team needed him the most. By the end of the day I had taken myself through an emotional roller coaster solely based upon professional sports. It wasn't until late in the evening when someone asked me why is that I hated the Green Bay Packers so much that I was able to fully understand my and millions of others obsession with sports. My understanding came from a deep evaluation of my answer to the question. My answer was, "because they beat MY Eagles and I just can't cheer for the team that put MY Eagles out. (Now Ive never gotten a check from the Eagles, nor do I own any stock in them but yet somehow I believe they are MY Eagles, silly I know, but I'm not the only one). Once I said that, I sat down at my computer and went to youtube and began watching clips of Michael Vick (The freakishly athletic quarterback for the Eagles). I sat there watching and admiring his athletic ability and took a mini tour of his career. Somewhere around the five minute mark i realized that even though he's a better all around quarterback now than he was in the first part of his career, he is just a hair slower than he was. (Coming out of college he ran a 4.2 40 yard dash and now he runs about a 4.3). A 4.3 is still blazing fast but it's not a 4.2. I will explain the relevance of all this in a minute. While researching Vick i saw a post that said "Virginia Referee that refereed games for both the Vick brothers and Allen Iverson said that Iverson was still the greatest football player he had ever seen!" Anyone who knows me knows that I am Iverson's number one fan! So of course I took a trip down memory lane and spent another hour or so watching Allen Iverson blow past defenders, cross over the greatest Michael Jordan, dunk on a 7 footer, and more. Everything was wonderful until I accidentally clicked on a link that showed his last season in the NBA, 2010. Although he was still faster than most, he was slow for him. He no longer attacked the basket with reckless abandon because his knees wouldnt support him. The greatest small scorer to ever play the game had now been reduced to an average NBA guard. Where he once average over 30 points a game, now he steadied around 15.6. Even Allen Iverson wasnt fast enough to outrun father time. It was right then that I realized why we scream, yell, make outselves sick and manipulate our own emotions over sports, OUR teams and OUR favorite players; because we subcontiously see ourselves in them. Most of us will never be superhuman athletes. Regardless of the picture we paint of ourselves in our own mind, we just arent as good as they are. So we live vicariously through them. If we happen to find a player that we can identify with and they happen to be great, then we feel as though we are great too. In reality, we very well may be great, but not at that particular thing. However, when they score, WE feel that we scored. The reason people live or die with teams opposed to players is because players get old, teams are eternal. But for those of us that somehow feel a "bond" with a player or an era, we have to one day get old with them and let's be honest NOBODY really wants to get OLD. See for me Vick and Iverson represent the supertalented underdogs, the people that come from nothing and nowhere in particular and rise above their circumstance to become LEGENDARY. I can relate that, I was considered to be a child prodigy of entertainment and I also come from "nothing and nowhere in particular," therefore, I feel like I can relate to them. I want to see them win because it somehow makes me feel that I will win too. So when Vick slows down and cant avoid the blitz or Iverson can't get past his defender and to the basket in a blink I somehow feel as though I'm getting older and can no longer do what I use to do. Allow me to take a moment right here to blast myself, and you too if you find yourself doing the same thing. That is Bullsh**! The reason why it is Bullsh** is because I never could do what they could do, just as they cant do what I can do. I will never play in the NBA or the NFL. I have dunked maybe 9 times in my entire life and they all were barely tip dunks from the side of the rim. I can probably throw a football 30 yards at best, and although I was very fast as a child athlete, and relatively fast now, I have never run a 4.2 or 4.3. If you put me in a NFL game right now at quarterback I GUARANTEE you that I will go out on a stretcher moments later. However, I'm one of the most gifted entertainers alive. I have been praised by legends as an actor. I have had people that worked with Marvin Gaye, James Brown, Michael Jackson and more say that as a singer/writer/performer I would fit right in with the legends, Ive done drama, comedy, musicals, etc. I love challenges in entertainment and with each new challenge I discover a new ability and talent. I overcome the obstacles and thrive in MY chosen field. As of today I have not received the international attention yet, but my knowledge of self doesn't come from that, it comes from within. I believe that one day it will come, but in the meantime I still know that I am great at what I do and I am constantly working on getting better. You may not be an athlete,an actor or singer or anything else in the entertainment field but you are something. There's something that you are designed to do. There's something that you do well and you should do that thing with reckless abandon and with you're whole heart. You cant judge your life whether good or bad by someone else's. You can only be you. So Mr. Iverson I release you from my subconscious cage. Go and enjoy the next phase of your life. Spend time with your kids, your family, etc. Mr. Vick I wish you the best in the next few seasons and I hope that Philly gets you a line to protect you so you can stop getting hit so much. As for me, I'm going to do ME and you should do YOU. There's a freedom in being yourself that is unparalleled. Yes your hero's are getting older and so are you but that doesn't mean that you have to get OLD, just get better and smarter. You've earned those years, wear them with pride.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Hood God V.S Church God! Lets get ready to rumble!
Hello to Everyone:
My name is Wallace Demarria', well actually it's Wallace Demarria' Croom but I only work under my first and middle name. Welcome to Divided Soul. Divided Soul is my truth, my reality and my views on the world in which we live. I once wrote in a song that "you would be crazy as hell if you could walk through my mind." We will now put that theory to the test as you journey inside the mind of a man that has worn so many "proverbial hats" that he has often times forgotten what was underneath it all. So with that being said, let's dive right into it. if you know me, then you know that I've never been one to run from a challenge or duck the big issues. I've also never been one to avoid conflict or controversy; so today will be no different. I want to talk about God and religion. I am a believer in God but it has never been in a traditional manner. I didn't meet God or get to know God in a church. Instead, I became acquainted with God on the streets. I learned of God as my mother walked for miles in the snow carrying her three year old son (me). A taxi cab driver pulled up and said that he had seen us walking several times and that his heart went out to us. He assured my mother that he didn't want anything from her but he just didn't want to see her walking in knee high snow with such a young child. He offered his services free of charge. Whenever we really needed a ride and it was too far to walk we could call "Larry" the cab driver. This is only one of the many ways that I experienced God in "real life." Another way was when the manager at the pizza place around the corner from our house watched as my mother counted out a jar of a change to pay for the pizza, he told her to put it away and that he would give it to us. He then told her whenever you want pizza just come in and get it, it was on the house indefinitely. Now one may argue here that those particular incidents had nothing to do with God, and more to do with the fact that my mother is considered by almost everyone to be a beautiful woman. I would contest that by saying that even her beauty would be a gift from God especially if it helped us to survive very trying times. It's even more of a "blessing" because she never had to "anything" for or with these people. Moving on, when you meet God like I did, it can be quite confusing when you are finally introduced to the "church" version of God. Now keep in mind the generosity and kindness I had witnessed from people outside of the church and compare that with what I witnessed inside the church. My very first memories of church are mean old ladies that pinched me for falling asleep, people pretending to be holier than though inside and cursing like "sailors" outside. I also recall catching more than a couple preachers in "lies." As a child my parents searched for the best ways to deal with me whenever I did things wrong. They found that the most effective was "long term punishment," which meant I come home, I go straight to my room and all I can do is homework and read books. I can come out for dinner and restroom breaks. One of the books that I read on numerous occasions during one of my many "long stretches" was The Holy Bible. I had read it from cover to cover several times, therefore, it was impossible to misquote it to me and I not catch it. I sat and listened as preachers rattled off things that sounded good, or made people feel emotions that they assumed came from the word of God; but I knew better. I would ask these Preachers questions and use actual biblical references to challenge them and most times they never had adequate answers. They usually tried to blow me off as just a child, but I was very persistent. I could deal with the old ladies, I could deal with the not so truthful pastors but what I couldn't deal with was the gossip, the mean spirited "backbiting," and the married Pastors trying to hit on my mom and then making us outcast when she refused their advances. For years I was anti church and anti church folks. However, after college I fell on the hardest times Ive ever known. I was homeless sleeping in the back of a truck in Los Angeles. I figured somehow I had gotten on God's bad side. So i turned to the church for help. I found a church home, participated in every ministry I could and even returned to school for a degree in Christian Leadership. I had completely abandoned my dreams of stardom and was ready to dedicate my life to service of The Lord. It wasn't until I awoke one morning around 3:00a.m to find that I had been crying in my sleep. When I woke up these words exploded out of my mouth: "why would you make me love something so much, and make me so good at it and then tell me that I cant do it." I was speaking of acting and performing. It was at that exact moment that I realized God had never told me I couldn't. I had made that decision. One would think that if a person was willing to drop their dreams and personal ambitions to serve God in the church it would be pleasing to Him; but I found that if He created you for a purpose then that is the most important thing for you to do. After that I returned to acting and performing and for a little while it was cool and fun but something was still missing. I didn't know what that something was until now. I have recently discovered what the missing element was, it was ME. It's the me that is not always liked by the general public. It's the me that knew God on a street/real level. Its the ME that never waited on God to come and magically change my situation; instead I moved without the thought of a possible failure because I knew God had already equip me with everything needed to win. I have been called cocky, arrogant, stuck up and many other things. In reality I'm just a man convinced that I can...It doesn't matter what it is I believe that I can! Ive watched people pray and wait in expectancy for something magical to happen to no avail. Ive watched "Christians" lose time and time again and then quote "non-biblical" excuses that sound good and probably help them deal with the pain while people who the church masses would consider to be "heathen's" experience life to the fullest and celebrate victory after victory. The difference is that those so called heathen's aren't sitting around waiting on gold to fall from the sky, they are going out and getting what they want. Maybe it's time to face the reality that God has already given us everything He is going to give us. He has given us His spirit and provided us with everything we need to win the war; but it's impossible to win the war if you never show up for the fight. Even Jesus had to GO to complete His mission. Get up, stop looking to the sky for help and realize that ALL you need is in you. You were created on purpose the way you are. Don't let people tell you that you have to change you and be something you're not. I'm very rough around the edges ( I curse, I've fought alot, I have natural chemistry with hustlers, gangsters, pimps and thugs) but also with educators, ministers, and public figures. I know that I was made this way on purpose. It doesn't make sense to me to be one way at church and another out in the streets. Throughout my life I have been the most beneficial to not only myself but to others as well when I am true to myself. People respond to the real you. Now ask yourself do you even know who the real you is? If not, it's the person that you are when no one is looking. Thats the you God created. Everything else is a character you've created to show the public. Think about it!
My name is Wallace Demarria', well actually it's Wallace Demarria' Croom but I only work under my first and middle name. Welcome to Divided Soul. Divided Soul is my truth, my reality and my views on the world in which we live. I once wrote in a song that "you would be crazy as hell if you could walk through my mind." We will now put that theory to the test as you journey inside the mind of a man that has worn so many "proverbial hats" that he has often times forgotten what was underneath it all. So with that being said, let's dive right into it. if you know me, then you know that I've never been one to run from a challenge or duck the big issues. I've also never been one to avoid conflict or controversy; so today will be no different. I want to talk about God and religion. I am a believer in God but it has never been in a traditional manner. I didn't meet God or get to know God in a church. Instead, I became acquainted with God on the streets. I learned of God as my mother walked for miles in the snow carrying her three year old son (me). A taxi cab driver pulled up and said that he had seen us walking several times and that his heart went out to us. He assured my mother that he didn't want anything from her but he just didn't want to see her walking in knee high snow with such a young child. He offered his services free of charge. Whenever we really needed a ride and it was too far to walk we could call "Larry" the cab driver. This is only one of the many ways that I experienced God in "real life." Another way was when the manager at the pizza place around the corner from our house watched as my mother counted out a jar of a change to pay for the pizza, he told her to put it away and that he would give it to us. He then told her whenever you want pizza just come in and get it, it was on the house indefinitely. Now one may argue here that those particular incidents had nothing to do with God, and more to do with the fact that my mother is considered by almost everyone to be a beautiful woman. I would contest that by saying that even her beauty would be a gift from God especially if it helped us to survive very trying times. It's even more of a "blessing" because she never had to "anything" for or with these people. Moving on, when you meet God like I did, it can be quite confusing when you are finally introduced to the "church" version of God. Now keep in mind the generosity and kindness I had witnessed from people outside of the church and compare that with what I witnessed inside the church. My very first memories of church are mean old ladies that pinched me for falling asleep, people pretending to be holier than though inside and cursing like "sailors" outside. I also recall catching more than a couple preachers in "lies." As a child my parents searched for the best ways to deal with me whenever I did things wrong. They found that the most effective was "long term punishment," which meant I come home, I go straight to my room and all I can do is homework and read books. I can come out for dinner and restroom breaks. One of the books that I read on numerous occasions during one of my many "long stretches" was The Holy Bible. I had read it from cover to cover several times, therefore, it was impossible to misquote it to me and I not catch it. I sat and listened as preachers rattled off things that sounded good, or made people feel emotions that they assumed came from the word of God; but I knew better. I would ask these Preachers questions and use actual biblical references to challenge them and most times they never had adequate answers. They usually tried to blow me off as just a child, but I was very persistent. I could deal with the old ladies, I could deal with the not so truthful pastors but what I couldn't deal with was the gossip, the mean spirited "backbiting," and the married Pastors trying to hit on my mom and then making us outcast when she refused their advances. For years I was anti church and anti church folks. However, after college I fell on the hardest times Ive ever known. I was homeless sleeping in the back of a truck in Los Angeles. I figured somehow I had gotten on God's bad side. So i turned to the church for help. I found a church home, participated in every ministry I could and even returned to school for a degree in Christian Leadership. I had completely abandoned my dreams of stardom and was ready to dedicate my life to service of The Lord. It wasn't until I awoke one morning around 3:00a.m to find that I had been crying in my sleep. When I woke up these words exploded out of my mouth: "why would you make me love something so much, and make me so good at it and then tell me that I cant do it." I was speaking of acting and performing. It was at that exact moment that I realized God had never told me I couldn't. I had made that decision. One would think that if a person was willing to drop their dreams and personal ambitions to serve God in the church it would be pleasing to Him; but I found that if He created you for a purpose then that is the most important thing for you to do. After that I returned to acting and performing and for a little while it was cool and fun but something was still missing. I didn't know what that something was until now. I have recently discovered what the missing element was, it was ME. It's the me that is not always liked by the general public. It's the me that knew God on a street/real level. Its the ME that never waited on God to come and magically change my situation; instead I moved without the thought of a possible failure because I knew God had already equip me with everything needed to win. I have been called cocky, arrogant, stuck up and many other things. In reality I'm just a man convinced that I can...It doesn't matter what it is I believe that I can! Ive watched people pray and wait in expectancy for something magical to happen to no avail. Ive watched "Christians" lose time and time again and then quote "non-biblical" excuses that sound good and probably help them deal with the pain while people who the church masses would consider to be "heathen's" experience life to the fullest and celebrate victory after victory. The difference is that those so called heathen's aren't sitting around waiting on gold to fall from the sky, they are going out and getting what they want. Maybe it's time to face the reality that God has already given us everything He is going to give us. He has given us His spirit and provided us with everything we need to win the war; but it's impossible to win the war if you never show up for the fight. Even Jesus had to GO to complete His mission. Get up, stop looking to the sky for help and realize that ALL you need is in you. You were created on purpose the way you are. Don't let people tell you that you have to change you and be something you're not. I'm very rough around the edges ( I curse, I've fought alot, I have natural chemistry with hustlers, gangsters, pimps and thugs) but also with educators, ministers, and public figures. I know that I was made this way on purpose. It doesn't make sense to me to be one way at church and another out in the streets. Throughout my life I have been the most beneficial to not only myself but to others as well when I am true to myself. People respond to the real you. Now ask yourself do you even know who the real you is? If not, it's the person that you are when no one is looking. Thats the you God created. Everything else is a character you've created to show the public. Think about it!
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